I’ve got a terrible case of pre-flight panic. It is only made worse by the fact that tomorrow is the funeral for Grandmother.
Watched a few episodes of “Comedians in Cars getting Coffee” with Mom and then had several epiphanies of what needed to be packed last minute. There’s just something about last-minute pressure that brings out the best in me. Though really it’s the worst of me. Should have thought about eye drops sooner.
These are the last few hours I’ve been waiting for. Finally I’m getting some finality: a sense of one chapter ending and the next beginning. These last two months have dragged on and I’m ready to start my life in France. And with finality I’m getting fidgety and worried (what if I forgot a paper? what if I’m ignoring some new post-COVID flight preparation step? What if I’m already behind?) I’m anticipating that I’ll step through security with shaking hands and won’t feel at ease until the plane is up in the air.
Goodbyes get Old
I feel obligated to say goodbye to everyone once more – but what for? Just to swing by and give a hug? I am looking forward to freedom from the obligation to visit once I’m abroad. Where I am right now I feel responsible for the unhappiness of everyone I don’t go and see. I’m constantly being “thoughtful” in this way. “My life is not my own” is the reasoning I give for giving so much time to people. Being visited is nice: I love to see that someone just wants to see me. I understand the time it takes and the love behind the gesture. But damn, why couldn’t all these people be so eager to see me or be seen by me before I decided to leave the country?
France is Around the Corner
“France is around the corner.” It feels like a promise. It reads like a blessing. It weighs like a responsibility and many expectations. All my French day-dreams are about to get realized or dismissed. I hope to do very little driving while in Cannes. I want to live out my French fantasy of biking everywhere and up hills to get back home and in a month’s time I’m fit as a fiddle.
But the time for idle thoughts is done. I’ll be at the airport before I realize it, and I’m going to be exhausted from tears. Now I have to get one more good night of sleep. In whatever world I find myself in the next 34 hours, I hope I make life-long friends.